A Quick Bite

If the last few years are any indicator, I predict that by next year at this time every single program on television will have something to do with vampires.  At one point last year, I think five of the top 10 bestselling books were about vampires, and the vampire movies have all been big hits.

The “Twilight” books and movies are all hugely successful.  The author, Stephanie Meyer, could write Twilight on the cover of a phonebook and people would buy it.

So, given the success of her books, and the others on bookstore shelves, along with the movies, HBO series, and TV shows about vampires, I can’t believe the TV industry won’t take it to their usual ridiculous extremes.

We can look forward to vampire comedies like, “My Uncle Bites,” or “Two Men and a Man Who is Half Man and Half Vampire.”  Reality shows would also feature vampires, I suppose.  “American Incisor,” “Trading Blood Types,” and “Survivor – Transylvania” are  probably pilot shows under consideration, along with “Extreme Neck Makeover.”

The only game show so far is, “Are You Smarter Than a Teen-aged Girl Who Invites A Vampire Into Her House?”   But, I’m sure there will be others.

NBC probably has “Law and Order: Plasma Squad” under production.  In the first episode, street wise detectives investigate a series of break-ins at a plasma center located near a large cave populated by bats with red capes. 

I haven’t read any of the “Twilight” books, and I’ve only seen a little of the “Vampire Diaries” TV show.  It was okay, but not something I’d ever feel bad about missing.  I saw a little of the HBO vampire program, but it was too grisly for me. 

People who like the whole vampire thing tell me that it’s not so much about the sucking of blood out of people’s necks, but rather it is the romantic aspects that they like.  Again, I haven’t read these books, but the preoccupation with draining people’s blood reminds me I should do a flush and fill of my car’s antifreeze, and that’s not romantic. 

I’ve given over 10 gallons of blood through Red Cross over the years, and frankly, I didn’t find it to be the least bit romantic.  Maybe the problem was that they used a needle instead of teeth.  Next time I’ll ask.

As somebody who pays attention to these things, I am not surprised that women like the idea of bad boys who need to be rehabilitated.  The idea that the right woman can change a man is one of the most common myths, and probably responsible for about a third of all divorces.

So, the statement, “Yes, he is a vampire, but I’m sure my love for him will change him into a perfect gentleman” makes perfect sense to some women.  And yet, the vampire in question probably won’t even learn to put the cap on the toothpaste tube or put his underwear in the hamper.  

But, these relationships aren’t all that great for the vampires either.  Picture our mixed couple in bed one evening.  She’s facing away from him.  He reaches over to nibble on her, only to hear her say, “Not tonight, Vlad.  I have a neck-ache.”


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