Inventory Time

I got another letter from my doctor’s office last week. He’s gone. Moved on to wherever doctors go. That’s the second Dear John letter I’ve gotten from a doctor over the past 10 years. I like having a long-term relationship with my doctor, but apparently the feeling isn’t mutual.

So, instead of getting a physical this summer, I think I’ll just do an inventory of my body, from top to bottom, so to speak.
1. Top of head: missing some hair. Make a note to get hair plugs if I get rich.
2. Brain: works okay most of the time. Getting a little fuzzy.
3. Head in general: Migraine headache today. This too shall pass.
4. Ears: Hearing isn’t what it used to be. I’m reminded of the guy telling his friend about his new hearing aid, and how well it works. The friend asks what kind it is, and the fellow says, “It’s 3:15.”
5. Eyes: Glaucoma is under control, and vision is great, with glasses. Without them, I’m a mole.
6. Mouth: Able to process large amounts of food. Teeth hanging in there. Should floss more.
7. Neck: Sore most of the time. Should see a doctor, probably. Don’t care for chiropractor’s adjustments. Should be renamed “painful neck twists.”
8. Shoulders: Not the best. Should do more exercises and stretches, I guess.
9. Chest: Pretty good. Could use more muscles.
10. Belly: Plenty big. Hard to believe I could once do 200 sit-ups in a row.
11. Arms: Smaller than they used to be, but mostly functional.
12. Hands: Sore from pulling weeds, but mostly fine.
13. Area below the waist: (Comments redacted for national security reasons)
14. Knees and legs: Pretty good for an old guy. Of course, running or jumping makes them sore. It’s surprising how little running and jumping a guy really needs to do.
15. Feet: Flatter than they used to be, but mostly not a problem. My toe nails are getting farther and farther away as my belly gets bigger, so I might need to either lose weight or start getting pedicures.
So, that’s my top to bottom body inventory. There’s plenty I can work on to improve things. There is also plenty that might be going on inside, unbeknownst to me. That’s why actual physical exams are a good idea. Maybe I’ll hand my new doctor this inventory, since it will obviously be a big help.

Or, more likely, he’ll suggest that I have a “check-up from the neck-up.”


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