There is so much news available these days that it becomes necessary to pick and choose what we read and watch. Headlines are an excellent means of determining whether something is worth reading. Sometimes, headlines spur my imagination to create what is surely a better story.
Here are some headlines from a news site, and my idea of what the stories should be about:
- “Original Civil War-era Lincoln letter up for sale.” It is the letter “W.”
- “Retro-electric Ford Mustang revealed in Russia.” Those radio-controlled cars are a lot of fun! I’m glad Russia finally has them.
- “Cat gets caught in laundry vent; literally needs buttering up to get out.” That house was full of saturated cats.
- “Whataburger fan paints pastoral landscapes featuring iconic burger chain.” Instead of paints he used mustard, ketchup, and relish.
- “’Gilmore Girls’ house now serving lunch.” Unfortunately, the incessant jabbering of the Gilmores causes customers to throw up their hands and run away.
- “’Old Bay’ upset about ‘New Bae’ seasoning…” I’m sure the similarity is coincidental. Like “Dr. Pepper” and “Mr. Pibb.”
- “Man banned from pub for bringing his pet ferrets…” He should have looked for a pub with a “Weasels Welcome” sign.
- “Dale Earnhardt once got Jeff Gordon out of a ticket.” It was a ticket to the opera, and Jeff really didn’t want to go.
- “Human heart left on SouthWest flight.” It was a flight to San Francisco, apparently.
- “Taco Bell adding $1 burritos to menu later this month.” Be forewarned that burrito means “little burro.”
- “KFC debuts fried chicken scented fire logs ahead of Christmas.” May I ask you, who doesn’t want their living room to smell like a Kentucky Fried Chicken store?
- “You can’t hide from Britain’s new ‘Long Ranger” traffic camera.” It just nabbed a guy in Montana for ten over the limit.
- “Bride wows guests with father-daughter dance on roller skates.” EMT’s wow guests with life-saving treatment after roller skating father landed awkwardly on table holding wedding cake, breaking three ribs and ruining two tiers.
- “Suspected burglar of Chinese restaurant trapped in grease vent for two days.” (Multiple choice) A: And an hour later he felt like getting trapped again. B: The name of the restaurant, translated into English is “The Grease Trap.” C: Somebody bring the buttered cat over here.
That’s enough, or perhaps too much. I hope you’ll agree that none of the actual stories from these actual headlines would be as interesting as my made-up descriptions. Feel free to come up with your own.