Tag Archives: Humor

Real Life

There’s an old phrase: “Life imitates art.”  It can be interpreted various ways, but it is odd how sometimes things happen that seem unreal and fictional – or even fanciful.

I remember a Memorial Day weekend when we lived in Duluth.  We were planting our little garden when I noticed it was snowing.  I realized I was planting snow peas at the time.  Not an earthshaking coincidence, but still…

More recently, and far less happily, it was reported that an angry camel bit off a man’s head.  So for all those times when somebody who was being criticized said, “Don’t bite my head off,” we now know if can happen.

Back when we used to cut and bale our own hay, the expression “make hay while the sun shines” took on a literal meaning as storm clouds rolled in when we had another load to finish.  Making hay has other meetings, as does hitting the hay, or a roll in the hay.  None are enhanced by rain, though.

The expression “nothing is sure except for death and taxes” took on new meaning at the VFW fish fry in Stoughton last weekend when we noticed that the placemat had a mortuary and a tax preparation service listed.  For some reason that reminds me of the Archie’s Monuments location that used to be on Highway 26 north of Watertown which also featured miniature golf.  A very interesting combination business.  Watch out for the last hole!

Another tragic example of late: the man who attempted suicide by stripping naked and breaking in to the lions’ area at a zoo.  Throwing someone to the lions is supposed to be a metaphor.  It’s hard to imagine even the most jaded movie script including suicide by lion.

Life has imitated science fiction for many years, from rocket travel to artificial intelligence.  In fact George Orwell’s “1984” and Ray Bradbury’s “Fahrenheit 451” were, I guess, social-science fiction books that speak to thought control (Facebook?) and constant monitoring by the government (cameras everywhere in cities, cell phones being monitored…) 

Life imitates art in good ways too, of course.  It doesn’t often make the news, however. 

I don’t want to make too big a deal out of all this.  Rumor has it that there is a mole hill somewhere that might be made into a mountain, if we’re not careful.

               

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Another Ten

The Ten Commandments are quite famous, after all these years.  That doesn’t mean they are universally obeyed, by any stretch of the imagination, but at least most people have a pretty good idea of what they are, or at least can summarize them.

Other religions, too, have their lists of rules to follow, but we won’t go into those right now.

What I will do is put forth some thoughts about ten additional commandments for your consideration.  Of course I’m not putting myself on the same status as God, and in fact, commandments is the wrong word to use.  Suggestions might not be strong enough.  How about guidelines?

You probably have some of your own to submit.  But, for the sake of discussion, here are my “other ten:”

11.          While walking, thou shalt not look to the right while turning to the left.

12.          If talking on a phone or sending a text, thou shalt not engage in any retail transaction, lest the earth shall swallow you up for eternity.

13.          Woe be unto he who says “free prize.”  All prizes are free, lest they not be prizes.

14.          Thou shalt not travel in passenger aircraft while laden with intestinal gasses seeking their freedom.

15.          Use some common sense and common courtesy before it becomes extinct.

16.          Ye, I say unto you, weareth thine capris pants, for they look fine.  They just aren’t my favorites.

17.          It is written: the lid to the juice container must be put on properly, or woe be unto he who shaketh it, as it shall leak.

18.          If your name is Barbara, and you say you are calling from Google to update my account, I deny thee, and condemn thee to my rejected call list.

19.          If there is a burning bush, it is because you burnethed thine brush on a windy day.  Wait for calm, and have shovels and buckets of water handy.

20.          Lo, it is commanded, offer not to search for ticks unless you really think there might be ticks, and not just to start some hanky-panky.

So, those are my second ten guidelines by which to live.  Consider them a rough draft.  Very rough.   They certainly won’t help you find eternal life, but might come in handy on a day-to-day basis.

It probably wouldn’t hurt  to review the original commandments too, while you’re thinking of it.  There’s one about coveting your neighbor’s lawn tractor, I think.

 

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Who Trumps Who?

(From June)

As I may have mentioned, I’m not much of a game player, and especially cards. I know some of the terms, and that’s about it.  Trump, for example, denotes the suit or number that supersedes other cards in a game like bridge or pinochle, if I have that right.

It’s funny to have a presidential candidate with the name Trump who seems to be superseding the others.  But it depends on the game.  If we’re playing Uno, or Yahtzee, somebody else might be winning.  Or surely “go fish” would go to a more relaxed contestant.  Someone in favor of amnesty could win a poker game with a full house, or a socially conservative plumber might win with a straight flush.

Pro-business candidates might like running a campaign to the rules of monopoly, but one particular candidate may end up going directly to jail without collecting $200.  And one anti-business candidate might learn some things about how business works by playing monopoly, but will probably quit if he can’t bring a printing press to make more money, or get the other players to give their money to him for the greater good.

Maybe the most entertaining debate format would be a pajama party with a rousing game of truth or dare.  Or maybe, truth, dare, or with draw from the race.

I heard somebody talking on the radio the other day who made an interesting point, and some other incidents have happened since then that have supported his point.  He made the observation that this election isn’t about Republicans and Democrats, or even liberals and conservatives.  To paraphrase, it’s about common sense.

Now, that doesn’t mean that Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders actually HAVE common sense, but since the current president and congress don’t seem to, perhaps doing the opposite of what they’ve done will make sense.

I understand the sentiment, but not the logic, any more than I understood the logic of voting for someone because of their color, or voting for someone because of her gender, or voting against someone because he was a Mormon.  There are plenty of points of evaluation for each candidate, but none of the above make any rational sense to me.

I think a president should be tough, also dignified.  A president should be both forward thinking and conversant in traditions and international relationships.  Respect for other nations and for friends and foes in our own country is essential.

Being candid is a good thing, but not when it takes future negotiating options off the table.  Repeatedly and purposefully lying for political expediency is short-sighted and a character flaw.

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Another Ten

                The Ten Commandments are quite famous, after all these years.  That doesn’t mean they are universally obeyed, by any stretch of the imagination, but at least most people have a pretty good idea of what they are, or at least can summarize them.

                Other religions, too, have their lists of rules to follow, but we won’t go into those right now.

                What I will do is put forth some thoughts about ten additional commandments for your consideration.  Of course I’m not putting myself on the same status as God, and in fact, commandments is the wrong word to use.  Suggestions might not be strong enough.  How about guidelines?

                You probably have some of your own to submit.  But, for the sake of discussion, here are my “other ten:”

  1. While walking, thou shalt not look to the right while turning to the left.
  2. If talking on a phone or sending a text, thou shalt not engage in any retail transaction, lest the earth shall swallow you up for eternity.
  3. Woe be unto he who says “free prize.”  All prizes are free, lest they not be prizes.
  4. Thou shalt not travel in passenger aircraft while laden with intestinal gasses seeking their freedom.
  5. Use some common sense and common courtesy before it becomes extinct.
  6. Ye, I say unto you, weareth thine capris pants, for they look fine.  They just aren’t my favorites.
  7. It is written: the lid to the juice container must be put on properly, or woe be unto he who shaketh it, as it shall leak.
  8. If your name is Barbara, and you say you are calling from Google to update my account, I deny thee, and condemn thee to my rejected call list.
  9. If there is a burning bush, it is because you burnethed thine brush on a windy day.  Wait for calm, and have shovels and buckets of water handy.
  10. Lo, it is commanded, offer not to search for ticks unless you really think there might be ticks, and not just to start some hanky-panky.

So, those are my second ten guidelines by which to live.  Consider them a rough draft.  Very rough.   They certainly won’t help you find eternal life, but might come in handy on a day-to-day basis.It probably wouldn’t  hurt  to review the original commandments too, while you’re thinking of it.  There’s one about coveting your neighbor’s lawn tractor, I think.

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Keeping Busy

                I guess everybody has a list of things to do at work.  Those lists aren’t very interesting to anyone other than that person, or the person that person works for, or the people he or she tries to talk into doing the things on the list.

                The same is probably true for our list of things to do at home.  My list might be interesting only because of its size and scope.  Well, to be honest, that’s not technically true.  The size of my to-do list is unknown, because I’m terrified to write it all down.  I’m afraid if I saw it all I’d run away from home.

                Here are some of the things I should do: prepare the soil and plant grass on both sides of our garage.  Fifteen hours.  Remove all the dead stuff from the flower garden. Two hours.  Prune the flowering crab tree. One hour.  Rake the thatch out of the grass.  Three hours.  Aerate the lawn.  Two hours.  Spot plant grass seed.  Two hours.  Remove dead shrubs.  Three hours.  Organize garage. Ten hours.

                So, that’s the tip of the iceberg, and I’m up to almost a 40 hour week.  No time for the day job, naps, television, petting the cats, Culvers, or crossword puzzles.

                The thing is, I love doing all the things on the list, and thinking of more new things to add to the list.  The sad thing is that it seems that winter will come back (not the snow that will fly between now and Memorial Day) before most of it is accomplished.

                The happy thing is that this time of year we have some warm days, but nothing is really growing enough to need attention.  No grass to cut, no weeds to pull.  That being said, I wasn’t happy to see mosquitoes out last Saturday, though it felt good to get my first kill under my belt.

                Part of my problem in crossing things off my list is that I’m easily distracted by other things on the list.  Considering the entire list is virtual, existing only in my mind, it’s easy to veer from item to item to item.  After all, they all need to get done.  So, I tend to work on what seems fun at the time.  That may be a youngest child phenomenon.

                Honestly, I should be more organized about my list.  Maybe I will write it down and prioritize it.  I’ll probably still ignore it, but now and then I can cross off the things that happened to get done in spite of the list.

                To paraphrase The Bard, “To do, or not to do: that is the question.”

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Truth

It has been said that no man is an island, but I understand there’s a guy in Utah who resembles a peninsula, and an unfortunate fellow in Kentucky who lisps and has become an isthmus.

Taking the road less traveled is a great idea, unless it is in our neighborhood lately, since the road is probably less traveled because there is a bridge out.

Early to bed and early to rise may make you healthy, wealthy, and wise, but it’s not as nice as early to bed and late to rise, or sometimes rising to use the bathroom and then going back to bed.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  Also, don’t do yesterday’s work next week, or next week’s work later tonight after the news and a dish of ice cream.

No pain – no gain.  A little soreness or mild discomfort will give you just a little gain.

Haste makes waste.  Waste makes recycled plastic chairs and compost.

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should also get curtains and a lot of Windex.

If one picture is worth a thousand words, then a 3-D Imax movie is worth all the words.

What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, but the things that make us itch just make us mad.

He who hesitates is lost.  He who doesn’t hesitate but gets lost anyway is a hopeless case.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and yet a handful of birds is nothing but a noisy, feathery disaster.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but absinthe makes you hallucinate and feel kind of sick in the morning.

A penny saved is a penny earned, except with current interest rates, where a penny saved is one-tenth of one percent of a penny earned.

They say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but that’s usually the best way to know what a book is going to be about.  So, if someone says that I shouldn’t judge them by how they look, I say, “then don’t look like that.”

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Beauty is only skin deep.  The beholder has eyes with thin skin.

And that’s all I have to say this week.

 

 

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Something Funny

Sometimes the noise of the political machinery that makes things run (for better or worse) and the troubles that abound in the world just get to be a little too much.  When that happens, it is my belief that we need jokes.

To the rescue today comes a post on the internet from Jason W. Stevens who provides us with a collection of two-line jokes:

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.  They’re efficient and not very funny.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.

You have my Word.

What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.

Even the cake was in tiers.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells, “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”

A hot blonde ordered a double entendre at the bar.

The bartender gave it to her.

Want to hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

Someone stole my mood ring.

I don’t know how I feel about that.

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

There you go. A bunch of jokes. You can actually clip them out of the paper and take them to a party to tell to people. That way you won’t have to worry about being invited to any more parties!

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