Tag Archives: Vampires

The Zombies

If you were to ask me about the zombies, I’d assume you were talking about the rock band of that name, formed in 1962, and featuring Rod Argent, who later recorded “Hold Your Head High,” which lingers as a great song. That band also had hits with “Time Of The Season,” “She’s Not There,” and “Tell Her No.” If you’re younger than me, as most people are, these titles will mean nothing to you.

And, that’s the point I wish to make today. The other kind of zombies – the “undead,” if you will – seem to be very fascinating to a lot of people, most of whom don’t remember The Zombies musical group, by which I mean, they’re mostly young.

And it’s not just zombies. Vampires have had a re-birth, if you don’t mind the phrase, through the “Twilight” books and movies, HBO’s “True Blood,” and the much lower budget “Vampire Diaries” on TV.

There’s something about beings who are kind-of human and kind-of not that really seems to capture people’s imaginations, and their sensual interest as well. Drinking someone’s blood doesn’t really do anything for me, I must say. Having mine consumed is also not on my bucket list.

I really don’t understand the love of zombies. I guess maybe it ties into the Goth sensibilities of darkness and gloom, and a nose-thumbing at death and whatever it might bring.

There have always been stories about people coming back to visit their loved ones. “Ghost,” for one, is very romantic. Even “The Sixth Sense” where the little boy sees dead people has some thought-provoking elements. What if we CAN come back after we die?

Zombies, on the other hand, are just rude. Nobody wants an un-dead being moaning and doing that stilted walk that they all seem to do. And frankly, their breath can’t be very good after they awake from their dirt nap.

It seems like many of the plots to these stories revolve around a zombie or a vampire who is really a very good person-like being, and really wants to be loved and accepted. That’s very sweet, but I still have a hard time overlooking the pallid skin tones and the red eyes. And, if women are naïve in their attempts to change mortal men, vampires and zombies aren’t going to be any easier to change.

Boo! Maybe people like to be scared. To me, the number 16 trillion is scary, a parking lot that is a sheet of ice is scary, and, if it gets right down to it, much of the world is scary. I don’t need imagined horror creatures to elevate my blood pressure.

On the other hand, maybe that’s the whole point. Reality is too much to process. But a vampire and a zombie are understandable to our little brains. It’s true. Nobody can get their minds around a number like 16 trillion, but we can all understand being bitten in the neck. And, the 16 trillion is real, while the vampire is something scary that goes away when we shut the book or turn off the TV.

I’d like to see a vampire president: “I vant to raise your taxes and reduce government spending, but the undead congress won’t cooperate. It’s making me batty!”

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Filed under 2013

A Quick Bite

If the last few years are any indicator, I predict that by next year at this time every single program on television will have something to do with vampires.  At one point last year, I think five of the top 10 bestselling books were about vampires, and the vampire movies have all been big hits.

The “Twilight” books and movies are all hugely successful.  The author, Stephanie Meyer, could write Twilight on the cover of a phonebook and people would buy it.

So, given the success of her books, and the others on bookstore shelves, along with the movies, HBO series, and TV shows about vampires, I can’t believe the TV industry won’t take it to their usual ridiculous extremes.

We can look forward to vampire comedies like, “My Uncle Bites,” or “Two Men and a Man Who is Half Man and Half Vampire.”  Reality shows would also feature vampires, I suppose.  “American Incisor,” “Trading Blood Types,” and “Survivor – Transylvania” are  probably pilot shows under consideration, along with “Extreme Neck Makeover.”

The only game show so far is, “Are You Smarter Than a Teen-aged Girl Who Invites A Vampire Into Her House?”   But, I’m sure there will be others.

NBC probably has “Law and Order: Plasma Squad” under production.  In the first episode, street wise detectives investigate a series of break-ins at a plasma center located near a large cave populated by bats with red capes. 

I haven’t read any of the “Twilight” books, and I’ve only seen a little of the “Vampire Diaries” TV show.  It was okay, but not something I’d ever feel bad about missing.  I saw a little of the HBO vampire program, but it was too grisly for me. 

People who like the whole vampire thing tell me that it’s not so much about the sucking of blood out of people’s necks, but rather it is the romantic aspects that they like.  Again, I haven’t read these books, but the preoccupation with draining people’s blood reminds me I should do a flush and fill of my car’s antifreeze, and that’s not romantic. 

I’ve given over 10 gallons of blood through Red Cross over the years, and frankly, I didn’t find it to be the least bit romantic.  Maybe the problem was that they used a needle instead of teeth.  Next time I’ll ask.

As somebody who pays attention to these things, I am not surprised that women like the idea of bad boys who need to be rehabilitated.  The idea that the right woman can change a man is one of the most common myths, and probably responsible for about a third of all divorces.

So, the statement, “Yes, he is a vampire, but I’m sure my love for him will change him into a perfect gentleman” makes perfect sense to some women.  And yet, the vampire in question probably won’t even learn to put the cap on the toothpaste tube or put his underwear in the hamper.  

But, these relationships aren’t all that great for the vampires either.  Picture our mixed couple in bed one evening.  She’s facing away from him.  He reaches over to nibble on her, only to hear her say, “Not tonight, Vlad.  I have a neck-ache.”

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Filed under 2010